Off to t'pub!

Right, I'm off to the Doric Arch outside Euston Station, London, tonight. I'm meeting a bunch of mates, dodgy old goths mostly. Looking forward to it, despite my awful cold. I'll be the one in the pinstripe suit. :-)

Haven't updated in a while, mainly because I've been using LJ, Twitter, Jaiku, Facebook et al. I'm doing much better now - in SL, I got partnered with Aneesa Jarman, who's simply amazing. Good SL generally means Happy Matt, and Happy Matt generally means good RL for Matt. If Sl interests you, go check out my SL blog.

The storm lifts

Feeling *so* much better. I started a new blog over at http://slblog.sciamachy.org.uk/ for all my SL drama. Go read about it there if you care about SL type stuff. Meanwhile back in Real Life (RL) things aren't going so bad. It's amazing how having a good SL can help you have a good RL. You get up early in the morning to see your SL friends, grab a shower when they do, match your schedule to theirs & it gets you out to work on time, all clean & nice & happy, a spring in your step & so on, knowing that when you log on tonight, you have people you can hang with & who make you feel wonderful, special, handsome, intelligent & wanted. I love my SL, because it inspires me to try more in my RL. It validates that I *can* be these things, with enough RL work. It shows me that I am a likeable person, that I can be romantic, heroic, have people in fits of laughter, put together a ripping DJ set, care for people & make people feel similarly special & loved. It's a good thing, when it's going well. Everyone needs a good, healthy fantasy life, for it's in play that we find out who we are.

Cryptic

*sigh*

Maybe... maybe not...
I'm fed up of being assumed to be the bad guy. I don't want to have people round me who are so ready to think the worst. I've done... questionable things, as Roy Batty might say, but always with the best intent. I'm clumsy & ham-fisted, and interpret many things literally, so if you say you want something & I get it, I'll be disappointed if you actively dislike that I've got it. If you throw me aside after 2 years, I'll thrash around in pain for a bit. It hurts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with people when I feel like I'm just made of eggshells & razorblades myself, with a skin like rice paper. I have projects I've started now that I'm really unsure whether I want to continue, because I think it'll only bring grief to me & my friends. Whatever I do, I'm wrong & stupid.

Twitter or Jaiku?

I've just noticed Jaiku.com - it's a rival to Twitter in many ways - a microblog site, but it has 2 advantages over Twitter. 1) It works with Series 60 Symbian phones (including your N95, Sarah) and 2) it supports threaded comments on an entry (called a Jaiku).
I'm kind of used to using Twitter at the moment, & I'm loath to add Yet Another Site to my growing portfolio of places to update, but... *drools*... the functionality! ooohhhh...
*melts into a pool of geekiness*

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So... Second Life drama. It's not good for you. When I think of someone & the very thought of them makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack, that kind of stress just isn't good. I'm grieving & angry when I think of them, and wondering why things happened that way & getting no answers just ends up with me blaming myself & thinking somehow I'm Just Not Good Enough. But it's not permanent - it's just when I think of them. I hate that I shared everywhere that I enjoyed in SL with them, because those places now remind me of that person, and now those places make me want to curl up in a ball & die, as good as they were.
By turns though, I'm trying to apply Buddhist methodology to this situation. I think of my erstwhile friend & think "May you be happy, and free from conflict. May you look after yourself with ease." & then I think "I salute you - you are a future Buddha." Because *everyone* has Buddha-nature, even if it takes us millennia more to realise it. When I hold onto these thoughts, I can bear their image in my mind.
And also, I think to myself "What are you doing?" - today, right now, I'm expressing my thoughts & feelings through my blog, sat waiting for various software installs to finish. I'm feeling my dukkha, but examining it too, turning it over in my hand.
You are a future buddha, and I enjoyed our time together, but I can't be mindful when I'm with you, much as I may try. If you set me on fire, I will scream & cry & try to put it out - I cannot sit quietly in meditation yet while my heart burns & cracks & breaks. So I try, like Sassoon, to think of other more pleasant things.
I've been spending time elsewhere, licking my wounds. My thoughts were all Slipknot, but I've made a friend who's replaced that with Astrix. I automatically smile when I think of my new friend - they help me be calm, even though they have terrible anxiety themselves. I want to be a place where my new friend blossoms & grows, feels able to do anything. I'm still preparing the ground though, and right now, I'm doing the weeding, deracinating what was there before. I see the seeds of happiness, & I smile.

garfield minus garfield

garfield minus garfield

This is an amazing mod of the old Garfield strips.

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