My recovery's still on-going. I'm generally alright but occasionally I get something that buggers me up a bit, like Sunday when a certain someone spread some gossip I think he ought to have kept private, which frankly caused me a small panic attack, a little crisis of "What the fuck am I gonna do?" followed by swift decision & re-strengthening of resolve to Do the Right Thing, no matter what.

Seriously, I get very messed up at the mention of a certain person - In order to move on properly, you need to go through 7 stages - shock/denial, anger/bargaining, depression, the "upward turn", reconstruction, then acceptance & hope.

Now, when it's grief at a death, in some ways it's easier to move on. You know they're not coming back - they're dead. When it's grief at a lost friendship & a lost love, you *need* to get through the depression, and the important stage of despair, properly. Despair used to be looked on as a mortal sin, but in this case it's useful. You *need* to abandon all possible hope that you will ever get back to the way things were with them. If you cling to even the slightest thread of hope then you're almost right back at square 1 again. This is why it's crucial that people *not* feed you any bullshit that may give you such a glimmer of hope. Things will never be the same again. Get the fuck over it. The hope that comes at the end is nothing to do with the hope that things will be the same as when you were with them - it's just hope that you'll someday be as happy, and that you can be as happy as you were before the whole sorry thing began.

At that end stage you can maybe think about your lost one, and not feel like you're being stabbed repeatedly in the chest. You'll be sad, yes, wistful, maybe, but it won't feel like you're dying any more. Luckily the ill-advised chap who fed me the crap info now knows not to do that again, so yay. Win. I think he thought he was doing me a favour, but really, it's not at all useful.

Anyway, whatever. My lungs are currently shot - severe asthma due to infection, a secondary thing from having a cold last week. I really need to get some sleep, and I really need to lose weight. I think I won't be in that virtual world I keep mentioning, nearly so much tonight. Plans for the evening include:

1. Grab a sub from Subway (across road from hotel).
2. Go log onto that virtual thing
3. Around 9ish, go onto inbuilt mic & speakers so as to be able to work out a bit.
4. Go do some situps, press-ups & getting up & down safely drill from Krav Maga.
5. 10 minutes' shadow-boxing
6. 30 mins yoga
7. Shower
8. Bed.

Nothing too hard, but I really need to get back into a routine of exercise & proper sleep. I suspect recent events would not have hit me nearly so hard if I wasn't already halfway in the gutter anyway. Kick me while I'm down, eh? ;-P

Oh - and, not had any booze since Sunday either. Not going to drink till Thursday's pub meet, in Camden, which isn't too far from Euston so do-able this week. Would be good to see the goths again - I had loads of fun last week, even if I woke up the next day with such cramp I felt my legs were ripping themselves to pieces. Seriously - my left leg was fucked for two & a half days, couldn't walk or drive or anything.

Damn - so sleep-depped & so over-warm here I keep momentarily dozing off. Must have massive doses of caffeine, right now.