So... Second Life drama. It's not good for you. When I think of someone & the very thought of them makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack, that kind of stress just isn't good. I'm grieving & angry when I think of them, and wondering why things happened that way & getting no answers just ends up with me blaming myself & thinking somehow I'm Just Not Good Enough. But it's not permanent - it's just when I think of them. I hate that I shared everywhere that I enjoyed in SL with them, because those places now remind me of that person, and now those places make me want to curl up in a ball & die, as good as they were.
By turns though, I'm trying to apply Buddhist methodology to this situation. I think of my erstwhile friend & think "May you be happy, and free from conflict. May you look after yourself with ease." & then I think "I salute you - you are a future Buddha." Because *everyone* has Buddha-nature, even if it takes us millennia more to realise it. When I hold onto these thoughts, I can bear their image in my mind.
And also, I think to myself "What are you doing?" - today, right now, I'm expressing my thoughts & feelings through my blog, sat waiting for various software installs to finish. I'm feeling my dukkha, but examining it too, turning it over in my hand.
You are a future buddha, and I enjoyed our time together, but I can't be mindful when I'm with you, much as I may try. If you set me on fire, I will scream & cry & try to put it out - I cannot sit quietly in meditation yet while my heart burns & cracks & breaks. So I try, like Sassoon, to think of other more pleasant things.
I've been spending time elsewhere, licking my wounds. My thoughts were all Slipknot, but I've made a friend who's replaced that with Astrix. I automatically smile when I think of my new friend - they help me be calm, even though they have terrible anxiety themselves. I want to be a place where my new friend blossoms & grows, feels able to do anything. I'm still preparing the ground though, and right now, I'm doing the weeding, deracinating what was there before. I see the seeds of happiness, & I smile.